Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
