Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
