His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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