so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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