Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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