Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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