I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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