I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
