do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
