I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
