I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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