I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
