There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
