I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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