i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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