I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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