somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
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george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
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Holy sore nipples Batman
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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