True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
