Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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