never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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