well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize