I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
