I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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