I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
