I will die if light touches me.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
