god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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