Kiss
Puke
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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