i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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