Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
