i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
