got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Drunk is not a location!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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