3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
