I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
