He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
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I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
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You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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