I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
