you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
