Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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