I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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