Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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