Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There's even glitter on my cock...
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