I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
