there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
