a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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