Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
