Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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