I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
