how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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