The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
