Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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