i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
