Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
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he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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