if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
