Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
