When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
