I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
