So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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