Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
